what's metal in Portland…

There are a few ways to go here; but what follows is my recommendation. If you couldn’t already tell, I am devoted to good mac and cheese. The mac and cheese here might be tied for #1 in town. So, yes, order it. Get a side salad with chipotle ranch. It starts out tasting good but will slowly ignite a burning maelstrom of tangy spiciness in your mouth that just almost starts to not be fun anymore but never quite gets there. Good quality pickle as well. Now to the main event. Spiraling rotini pasta headbangs over your taste buds while the breadcrumb toppings add grit to this magnificent and simple dish of cheesy magma that will rock you like a hurricane. Add hot sauce if you can. Add bacon if you’re a carnivore for 50 cents. The $7.50 price tag and the initial look of this entree means you don’t think this is enough to split but it totally is.

Website:  newoldlompoc.com

Address:  3412 SE Division St

I’ll just say that breakfast here is way too good and way too cheap. If you happen to live close to this place and can walk there…do it. Otherwise you’re going to gain enough pounds to start a Meatloaf cover band. Savory stuff like the Farm Fusion (mushroom, spinach, roasted pepper, tomato, chevre) and sweet stuff like Banana Rumba (a whole sliced banana, caramel sauce, whipped cream, granola) are amazing – but a waffle dipped in dark chocolate for $2 is even crazier. They have indoor seating during rain, if you’re not metal enough to watch your majestic waffle confection get rained on as you stand in silence and drink in the sadness like a fine wine. I’m not that metal. I don’t even think Mortiis is that metal. Seriously, you need to get up early and go here tomorrow if you haven’t been before.

Website:  wafflewindow.com

Address:  3610 SE Hawthorne Blvd

I would give this 3 horns up if they ever seemed to have an appropriate amount of staff on hand proportionate to the number of people eating here. Service is slow and often mistake-encrusted; and despite my tastes in hateful speedy music, I am pretty forgiving and laid back when it comes to food service in PDX. The happy hour portions are very small – but $2 orders of spicy tater tots are still pretty epic. The veggie burgers are decent, and so is the pizza. I am not participating in the mosh pit of opinions about whether McMenamins is good or bad…I’m just going to be the old metalhead standing near the back of the venue slowly headbanging and not getting too worked up about things. I think the atmosphere here is pretty freaking metal – and getting spicy mac and cheese delivered to your seat as you watch a $3 movie in an amazing venue covered in mesopotamian theme 1930′s decor is metal as all heck. If only it was just a tad better quality food. And filling up here outside of happy hour is hard to do.

Website:  mcmenamins.com/219-bagdad-theater-pub-home

Address:  3702 SE Hawthorne Blvd

This place is dark. You almost can’t see the velvety wallpaper, velvet paintings, and 70′s thrift store lighting fixtures, but straining to see things in the darkness…pretty friggin’ metal. A glance at the menu might make you think you’re in trouble here – but fear not. Ordering the $7 vegan platter is totally enough food for two, and appears made for sharing. Adding a side of fries or chips and salsa makes it that much more satisfying. The vegan platter is a heap of burrito ingredients and two huge honkers of tortillas. Each of you loads one up with tofu, black beans, rice, lettuce, salsa, guacamole, and tofu cream sauce to taste plus hot sauce on request. Careful because if you try to actually use half the ingredients presented, your burrito will not close and you’ll be left with a super-tasty mess…which is pretty freaking metal. They are a bar and thus open late.

Good to Know:  Cash only

Address:  2521 SE Clinton St

You can get two veggie dogs loaded with all kinds of ridiculous toppings and still budget some crinkle-cut fries if you work at it all for under $10. Tons of great options for veggies and carnivores alike. Special dogs are usually named after bands (including a Scorpions dog with sauerkraut; how metal is that?). Wednesday is trivia night which means if you know things you could win free dogs. Sunday is free video game night. Did I mention a ping-pong table out back? No? Well I just did. They are open until 3am, which is friggin’ metal as all hell.

Website:  myspace.com/dogswithasnap

Address:  4611 SE Hawthorne Blvd