what's metal in Portland…

It’s a really good thing I do not live or work anywhere near downtown because this place would see way too much of me. Actually, I take that back. But I am getting ahead of myself and this review. If you are not already aware, you may feel like an extra in a time-lapse scene documenting the family feud going on between the two nearly identical Indian food carts found next to each other here. But who cares? Back to the food. I chose to try this one first just because it was the cart I saw first when I crossed the street. To begin with: the entire menu is 100% vegetarian / vegan. Indian food is very edible no matter what Indiana Jones movies would have you believe (simple, good veggie ingredients), so I reccomend getting the lunch special pretty much no matter what. $5 will completely stuff 2 people. No joke. Perhaps the best lunch deal not just in town but on the west coast. The food is not fancy-restaurant-spicy-perfection…but it is  darn-tootin’ fist-pumpin’ roll-your-head-back and say “Oh god!” like you were covering Black Sabbath’s “Black Sabbath” magnum opus good. It’s that good considering you paid $2.50 to be full of pseudo-healthy good food. Now shut up and go try it. Warning: at least when I got the lunch special it came with a hot Chai which was fine, but hot food with a hot drink and no water may not be what you want… so order some type of cold drink or be a typical Portlander and have your metal water container filled up and ready to go.

Address:  804 SW 12th Ave at Yamhill

If you are a veggie who thinks you and someone else can’t get painfully full for $10, this is the gauntlet I throw down before you – because that’s how you challenge people if you’re metal. You don’t have a gauntlet? I’ll wait ’till you go get one. OK then. This is obviously a family-run place, and it’s pretty metal that some of the teen members of the family who wait on you roll their eyes often and exhale when they think no-one is looking. This just adds to the joy. Order the veggie mezza platter for $9.95. That’s all you need.  Tabouli, Homous (that’s how they spell it, so there), Baba Ghanouj, Falafel, Stuffed Grape Leaves, and Fried Cauliflower. The Falafel here is so far beyond the most soaringly grandiose epic falafel most places serve, it might make you have to order a LOT more. Don’t. Try that next time. What you already have here is more than enough. Eat the cauliflower fast; it’s awesome hot and not awesome cold, and it cools off faster than an S.O.D. song ends. Did I mention the freshly baked unlimited bread that constantly arrives at your table to pummel you into carb submission and bliss? Well I just did.

Website:  yahalarestaurant.com

Address:  8005 SE Stark St

Yumtastic but very messy dessert and savory pies. My favorite is probably the ‘mounds,’ which is coconut and chocolate chip baked in their handheld pie. How is yumtastic pie metal? The mascot is a pie oozing delicious strawberry blood in one scene painted on the cart, and the other has a bunch of people ripping this dude limb from limb to devour his yumminess. That’s how it’s metal. A savory and dessert pie for each member of your duo should still get you under budget here. Sometimes the flavors available are not what you’re in the mood for, and it is very messy – thus the lack of a perfect 4 horn review. Metal is about precision – if you like sloppy stuff so much look for a crust punk grindcore food review site.

Website:  whiffies.com

Address:  SE 12th + Hawthorne carts

This might be my favorite place to get a slice ever. The main dude who seems to work here the most reminds me of Joel from MST3k, if you’re a fan. Get a slice with two toppings (I recommend hazelnut and broccoli, but I’m strange) and a dream salad – a basic salad base with three pizza toppings of your choice in a huge bowl that looks like it’s meant for 4 people. If you like ranch as your dressing, you can apply it in moderation and leave some for the crust of your pizza, which is a flaky pastry-pizza hybrid of epic splendor which will dip in the ranch to create total taste domination in your mouth…metal! Splitting one slice and a salad does not seem like enough food but it totally is. Going crazy and getting two slices to get over the $10 limit is usually what happens to us here, but when we stay under $10 it’s totally filling. Open till 10pm.

Address:  4620 NE Glisan St

This place is dark. You almost can’t see the velvety wallpaper, velvet paintings, and 70′s thrift store lighting fixtures, but straining to see things in the darkness…pretty friggin’ metal. A glance at the menu might make you think you’re in trouble here – but fear not. Ordering the $7 vegan platter is totally enough food for two, and appears made for sharing. Adding a side of fries or chips and salsa makes it that much more satisfying. The vegan platter is a heap of burrito ingredients and two huge honkers of tortillas. Each of you loads one up with tofu, black beans, rice, lettuce, salsa, guacamole, and tofu cream sauce to taste plus hot sauce on request. Careful because if you try to actually use half the ingredients presented, your burrito will not close and you’ll be left with a super-tasty mess…which is pretty freaking metal. They are a bar and thus open late.

Good to Know:  Cash only

Address:  2521 SE Clinton St